Sta.sh
Days go by unnoticed...
Beyond perception,
There is existence;
Without any life.
Attempt to wake yourself from this dread sleep,
You'll find it harder than you might imagine.
Deny the routine to find yourself ostracized,
In a world filled with the self-denying selfish.
While away your time
It's easier that way
Just toe the line;
Don't think you have a say.
Break the ranks to see yourself besieged,
With the ignorance of the televised delusions.
Fight for your principles to find your words
Muddled, twisted, and mired in semantic confusions.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Sap the life away
Of those who dare to
Defy the Repetition.
Drag them down with you.
Assault the status quo to leave yourself
At the mercy of the unenlightened masses.
Revolt against unconsciousness to learn
No order can hold against a questioning mind.
Sell your identity
To find acceptance;
Forget your humanity,
And you'll fit right in.
Reveal your inner self and you're vulnerable
To the vicious whims of public criticism.
Free yourself from the prison of expectation,
And you'll find yourself alone in the dark.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Deny responsibility
Everyone else does.
Surely there's justification
(But none is to be found)
Insinuate the desire to think on your own;
And be pummeled into the hard, cold earth.
Uncomfortable feelings of "morality"
Are no longer welcome (were they ever?)
Trudge along, now;
Like so many ants.
Follow the leader;
And never look back.
Reject the assumed societal postulates, and be
Betrayed by those you thought to call friends.
Rebel against authority to feel your life reduced
To that of a slave abused by his captors.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
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Stanza one: The first line isn’t exactly an attention grabber and I’m not quite sure why you decided to make the lines to crisp here considering the format isn’t fluid through the piece. I’d consider making this a two line stanza first of all. Second, I’m not sure what “Days go by unnoticed beyond perception” means. The second two lines are much clearer, though I will admit they remind me of the last poem of yours I read a lot.
Stanza two:The second line hits a sour note with me. Although I may be guilty of telling like this, I’m not a fan of it. Many readers, including myself, do not enjoy reading a poem where they are told how difficult or hard something will be. An emotion, sure. But some may find waking from this “dread sleep” easy and you’ve just alienated those people. You also filled this stanza with more telling. A few types of questions? What kind of selfishness, what routine, what is the effect or consequences of being ostracized?
Stanza three: I would consider removing the second lines. The second line is too telling by the speaker.
Stanza four: A few questions: What delusions? What principles should I fight for? Why are my words so twisted, muddled, etc.? If you’re going to use second person you need to be VERY clear on issues of what the reader will go through. I will probably NEVER use second person but it can be done well with immense levels of clarity.
Stanza five: Love the one line stanza.
Stanza six: A few questions: who is sapping the life away? What happens afterword? What kind of repetition is happening? Why am I suddenly being dragged down and why should I take them with me?
Stanza seven: No complaints here.
Stanza eight: A few questions: Why isolate myself when I am dragging people down or fighting the status quo? Are you saying that I should be a lone wolf? Are you saying that enlightening others isn’t a good idea after all? Also, you’ve returned to describing the society in a really abstract way. What kind of humanity DO these people have? This would provide a clear picture of the difference between them and the speaker.
Stanza nine: Some questions: What makes me vulnerable after showing my true self, if my true self exists under the premise of revolting against this society? Why is criticism bad? Why will I find myself alone? I thought expectation made it easier to work with others…
Stanza ten: Great use of repetition!
Stanza eleven: Honestly, I’d omit this. It adds nothing to the piece.
Stanza twelve: Why just insinuate? If I’m going to revolt, shouldn’t I be outspoken? This isolated hero thing has now lasted long enough to confuse me. The final two lines are AWESOME.
Stanza thirteen: Have I been taken down for my revolting now? The story is a bit murky. Perhaps you should take a look at the placement of your stanzas and change some around. However, I’d omit this as well. The “follow the leader” type wording is cliché in political/social pieces in this type and I don’t want this piece to be burdened by that.
Stanza fourteen: I’m back to rejecting after I’m following the leader. Yup, I’m entirely lost.
Stanza Fifteen: great use of repetition AGAIN
Stanza sixteen: I would end of the repetition. This would be like ending on the mantra and really add punch to the poem.
I think this poem does have potential, even if it does feel like I tore it to shreds. I think the problem with this piece is a lack of clarity and general statements that aren’t tangible. I want to be able to see this society, see this revolting (whether through imagery or metaphor). I think once that’s done you’ll have something solid!
My advice: Be Clear. Be less abstract/general. Fix the time/statement issues.
Stanza 1: "Days go by unnoticed" was intended to be a sentence on its own, with "Beyond perception/ there is existence/ without any life" as the next sentence. (I should have added punctuation here, admittedly.)
2: I'm thinking of changing "you can imagine" to "you might imagine" just to change the tone a bit... as for the "telling" by the speaker, that's sorta the point of the poem -- a disgruntled outsider decrying greater society. Selfish in the general sense, routine as in the general workaday "eat, go to work, sleep" sorta thing, ostracization, for the purposes of this poem, is again just generally isolated from society -- pretty self explanatory.
3: I don't really like the 3rd line here but the rest is good as far as I'm concerned... I'll fool around with this stanza a bit, I think. (perhaps "toe the line" rather than "ignore the signs" or something.)
4: This stanza's basically about the mainstream mass media and the delusions they implant among the population (and they do indeed do this, if that's under question...well...) I might fool with this one a bit to make that a bit clearer, yeah.
5: I liked it too.
6: This one's more about the sort of pop-culture xenophobia you tend to see (well, *I* tend to see) these days. Anti-rebel culture, you know?
7: I like this one, too, so good to hear! Could do with a bit of tweaking here and there, though, I think.
8: Again this is the societal voice pushing one towards conformity, not the rebellious speaker of the longer stanzas. I thought it was fairly self-explanatory, actually.. individualism being frowned upon as it is in all 'advanced' societies today (as evidenced by people identifying themselves by what they wear, what they eat and drink, what sports team they like, even appealing to astrology -- perhaps I should make a nod to this in the stanza?) Perhaps change "isolate yourself" to "Sell your identity" or something of the like.
9: Again returning to the anti-rebel culture and frowning upon individualism described above -- restating what was already said for repetitive effect.
10: That's the idea.
11: This is again the "conform to society" voice, discouraging rebellion and freethought on the basis of the "it's not my fault society is in ruin, I can't do anything to help it" idea. The last two lines I admit are nice sounding nonsensical filler. Thinking of changing them to something like "Surely there's justification/ (But there's none to be found)"
12: As for the insinuation -- it's a fairly weak word, meant to show that even /thinking/ of thinking for yourself gets punished. Purposeful exaggeration to make the point.
13: Again as a short stanza it's the conformity-voice talking. If you look at all the short stanzas before this one, it's leading up to this final acceptance of the powers that be, with all possible objections erased or rationalized away. Cliché was intentional. Sorta the point.
14: Again it's sorta the two voices thing going on. The one guy is placated into obedience and the rebel punished into it. Catch my drift?
15: Notice the pattern?
16: I like this bit but I must agree it should go... I almost didn't add it in the first place and it doesn't much fit with the poem, but I sorta like to add a hopeful ending to my pieces so I put it in.
And yeah you did tear it to shreds a little but that's ok, I can handle criticism so long as it's not overly mean, which your's isn't. I'll work on it a bit, but the general nature of the statements is somewhat part of the mood of the poem and I think being too straightforward would lessen the effect. Know, however, that I do take your criticism into a great deal of consideration, and it is much appreciated!
Thank you, best friend!